Heal
by DragonsintheMoonlight
Summary: 3x07. When Caitlin yelled at Barry as Killer Frost about how he wrecks everyone's lives, he reminds her that she and Cisco ruined plenty of lives with the particle accelerator, including his. His pain-filled words bring her back from the edge and the two of them realize they have both suffered. One-sided Snowbarry.


**AN: So, don't get the wrong idea guys. I have been frustrated with Team Flash in the past, but I do love them. I'm not writing this fic to slam them or anything. I just wish the writers wouldn't be so hypocritical. Caitlin and Cisco ruined lots of lives with the particle accelerator and Barry forgives them instantly, but when he creates Flashpoint in a moment of grief, everyone loses their minds? At least Caitlin had a bit of an excuse as she was Frost at the time, but I really just wanted to write a fic where Barry stands up for himself to this line, because I hated it. There will be some Snowbarry in this story. I hope you all enjoy it.**

"You keep messing with everyone's lives, wrecking everything, and we're left to pick up the pieces from your mistakes!" Caitlin yelled. "Some things you break can't be put back together again."

Barry felt her words like they were a knife in his heart. The guilt was eating away at him from what he'd done: the creation of Flashpoint. He ruined their lives. Caitlin was right…

 _You keep messing with everyone's lives, wrecking everything, and we're left to pick up the pieces from your mistakes!_

Her words rang in his head, and suddenly, the soft, guilt-ridden, sad expression faded from his face and morphed into anger.

 _"I_ mess with everyone's lives? _I_ wreck everything? _You_ pick up the pieces from _my_ mistakes?" Barry laughed bitterly. "Really, Caitlin? Then tell me: who built and set off the particle accelerator, hmm? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that was you and Cisco, not me. And let's look at what the particle accelerator did, shall we? It created countless metahumans who go around murdering people. It made me into a metahuman. It's the reason I'm the Flash. Well, let me tell you, Caitlin: I _hate_ being the Flash. All it's done is ruin my life! Thawne? He hated me because I was the Flash. Zoom? He targeted me because I was the Flash. And who made me the Flash? You and Cisco. If I wasn't the Flash, my parents would still be alive. So, if I gave you powers and killed Cisco's brother just because I wanted to save my mom, then doesn't that mean that by creating metahumans like me and the speedsters who murdered my mother and father, you killed my parents?"

"Barry…" she whispered, her eyes returned to normal. Caitlin had never thought about it this way before, and in her moment of anger at Barry, she'd acted as if he ruined her life when she didn't think about what the consequences of her own actions had on his.

 _"I_ did this to you?" Barry continued as if he hadn't even heard her. "You did it to yourself when you set off the particle accelerator explosion. All I did was create an alternate timeline. Stupid of me, careless of me… and I have to live with that now. But you and Cisco both seem to have conveniently placed all blame on Thawne for the particle accelerator when you're the ones who built it for him! And I know that you didn't know what would happen, that you didn't mean for it to happen, which is why I told you when we started this team that I didn't blame either of you for it. It wasn't your intention and you felt terribly about it. You didn't mean to ruin people's lives. You didn't mean to ruin mine. Well, I didn't mean to cause these changes. I didn't mean to hurt you or Cisco or anyone else in our lives. But do you extend me the same forgiveness I did you? No. Instead you bring up my dead mother. You know I had nightmares about her death my entire childhood? Joe sent me to shrinks for it. I had to take prazosin, prazosin I still needed after becoming the Flash, but my metabolism was too fast that it didn't work anymore. And you know what's worse? I was losing my speed in Flashpoint. So, I couldn't just run back and set the timeline right myself, by stopping myself from saving her in the first place. Instead, I had to let Thawne out of the cell I was keeping in. He made me _beg_ him to kill her, Cait. Why would you bring her up like that?" His voice broke.

"I'm sorry," Caitlin whispered. She was herself now. She wasn't Killer Frost anymore. Barry's pain seemed to bring her back to the surface. And he was right. While Barry may have made a careless mistake that hurt her and Cisco, they did the same thing to him when they set off the particle accelerator. It had been easy to hide behind Wells, but they couldn't anymore. They built it for him. All of this started with their mistake and Barry had being picking up the pieces as the Flash ever since.

"I'm so sorry, Barry," she whispered, her own voice breaking.

Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks.

Caitlin couldn't hold back anymore. She reached up and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. Barry reciprocated it instantly. A few moments ago, he'd seemed furious with her, but Caitlin knew better than anyone that most of the time when Barry seemed 'furious', all he was was hurt. Words cut into him in a way knives never could and Caitlin had used her words as weapons against him. But this time, Barry didn't just stand there and take it. And she was glad he didn't. Hearing the truth, hearing the pain in his voice brought her back to reality. It sent Frost away so only Caitlin Snow remained.

She held onto Barry like he was her lifeline, which she supposed he was. It was his pain that brought her back. She wasn't surprised. For a long time now, Caitlin Snow had had feelings for Barry Allen. She wasn't entirely sure when they first came to be, but she thinks it was probably when he had lost his powers to Farooq and the two of them were standing in STAR Labs near the Flash suit. The way Barry spoke about being the Flash, the way it felt and how he loved helping people… Caitlin knew she loved him then. She had moved closer to him, making to kiss him when Cisco walked into the room and stopped her before she could. And now that he was with Iris, she probably never would be able to. The thought tore Caitlin's heart in two, but another thought helped it.

Barry told her he hated being the Flash. The moment in which Caitlin realized she loved him was when he told her how much he loved being the Flash because of the way he could help others. But being the Flash had brought Barry nothing but darkness. What was originally a gift that she had given him with the particle accelerator had now become a curse. Barry had lost so much because he was the Flash. Caitlin wasn't sure if there was anything truly good that had come from it at this point. All it seemed to do was bring him pain.

They were both in pain. She was Killer Frost. He was the Flash. Neither wanted to be these alter egos that had been created for them that fateful night the particle accelerator was launched. Caitlin didn't want to be evil. She didn't want to be cursed with a cold heart. She didn't want to forget what love felt like. What loving Barry felt like. And Barry didn't want to be the Flash. He didn't want to keep losing the people he loved and cherished because villains wanted to hurt him.

They were both in pain.

Caitlin pulled him closer, squeezing him tighter. Tears still streamed down her cheeks and she felt his tears hot on her cold neck.

Perhaps together they could find a way to heal.

 **AN: So, this would never actually happen, seeing as Barry never blames anyone for anything even if it hurt him. Like, I don't think he's even connected the dots that Caitlin and Cisco turning him into the Flash with the particle accelerator is what caused Reverse Flash and Zoom to target him and kill his parents to get at him. I don't think he ever would connect those dots, either, because he has Thawne and Zoom right there to blame and he proved in 1x01 that he didn't hold Caitlin or Cisco accountable for the problems caused via the particle accelerator because he knew they didn't mean to cause any of that damage.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed the one-sided Snowbarry. The truth is, I love Snowbarry. I always have. I really tried to ship WestAllen, but I just can't. I deluded myself into thinking I liked it and Iris for a while, but I just can't do it anymore. Iris is terrible, especially lately. I mean, not wanting Barry back from the speed force? Dragging him to couple's therapy when he's finally happy? Accusing him of leaving her when he had absolutely no choice and went through hell? Getting upset with him in 4x02 for making wedding plans without consulting her only to try to make him elope at a funeral in 4x03? I'm sorry, but I am out of chances for Iris. I hope they scrap WestAllen and go for Snowbarry. Caitlin actually seems to care about Barry. That's why she always got worried about him taking risks in season one; she didn't want to lose him. She even said so in 1x07. That's why she chose to work with Savitar as Killer Frost. I honestly think these two are a much better match than WestAllen. Plus, Caitlin wouldn't yawn on her first date with him like Iris did.**

 **-DragonsintheMoonlight**


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